Basically...

This month has driven me crazy like seriously. Things I didn't expect happened. And it was awful. Lol, but it was true. Felt like my life come to an end. It didn't need weeks or months to make me get kind of heart-attack. Only needed couple days and my life was totally falling apart. I can't tell you what happened, for now, maybe later I'll write about that. But trust me that was a total mess up, I was screwed up. I didn't have enough sleep, got nightmares almost every night, panda eyes, cried a lot, screamed a lot, couldn't stop trying to figure out why this happened, couldn't stop thinking and thinking everyday every night, till I didn't have strength anymore. I didn't understand at all why all this things should happen insistently. The more I try to understand, the more I find it doesn't make sense. The more it feels hurt.

And the worst part was, I didn't know what to pray. I didn't know what I really want. I only asked God to take this hurt feeling. I couldn't bear it any longer. I didn't know to whom I can put all my sorrow and sadness, except to my God, the Creator of my life, Jesus Christ.

Day by day... I survive with all the broken pieces left. God created 24hours in a day but feels like 7789hours, the clock is tickling so so so slow! Lol, but time heals. Everything only needs time. Time goes by, and guess what amazes me, God makes me stronger and more relax than before. I realized I didn't whinning during that hardest days! Not even a word. Now... I start enjoying my day, finally, eventhough I don't see a way yet, but I believe He is doing something great for me. Amen.

In one night, when I can't sleep as usual, I think about basically....

Basically, ...
this life is God's willing, not mine. I have no right to take over this life and keep doing things I want when God didn't allow it. It's God's. I'm just His creation. When I become a stubborn one by keep doing things God didn't allow, the result was never perfect and it was never bring peace.

Basically, ...
this life is only between God and I. Family and friends are just gifts. I couldn't count on them for anything, because they are human, and human is disappointing. When I think I can depend on them, I got disappointments and disatisfied feeling. It only got me insecure and over-think. But then I realize my life is only between me and God, it makes me confident, He is God of this universe. He died for me just to showing me how much He loves me. He never left me behind, as He said on Isaiah 41:10:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Amen for that.

Basically, ...
the Creator of human heart is God. I've been asking like million times to God to grant me His heart, a purity of heart, a very humble heart. I don't want to wasting my life being a heartless one. And for that kind of prayer takes so much energy and sacrifice, for real. When we should apologize people who hurt us, when we should face the reality which is not good, when we should be kind to those who is not even think about our existance, when we should be strong and be stronger whereas we didn't know how to be strong, when we should get up every morning, forget the pain and smile. You know... I cannot if it's not by God's power. He clearly strengthens me to forgive, to let go, to trust, to hope, to spread love and to worship Him in the middle of my raging seas.

Basically, ...
what makes me stronger is when I realize and totally give my heart and mind to believe that my life is under God's control. He makes all things, bad or good, work together for my good.
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I'm doing, but later you will understand."
John 13:7

Basically, ...
no matter what happened or happens or will happen, God will always be my Defender. I don't need to worry about anything because I have God who takes control of everything. God has given the best of heaven, His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, for my life. Moreover the best in its life. What concerns me, it concerns Him more. I believe that.

And for now...
I just can't thank Him enough for His perfect guidance and love and everything. He comforts me and loves me at my lowest point. This life is a gift, I realized I'm not from here. I'm not from the world. I live because God wants me to live. What can I do is just thank Him and walk in the way God direct me to go, do my best for His glory. For in the end, I will live with Him forever.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for forgiving me, for Your broken body and blood to give me life, thank You for giving me chance to live and be better everyday, thank You for taking care of me, and thank You for teaching me how to love like You have loved me.