today, march 17, 2012.

I'm crying a lot, i feel so sad, but idk know why im crying this much. I dont even know the reason why i cry? Idk what i want, what should i do, whats the best, what is love? And so many things ruin my mind, and i just being alone. Me, myself and i. With God within me.
I dont know anything at all, all i know that i need my God. I need Him more than anything. I stop trying to figure out and choose to surrender all for everything that might be happen after my decision. Sometimes i dont even know who i am. I just know He loves me. Jesus loves me more than i could possibly imagine. Im sad, i lost this, i lost that, i lost the memories, i lost the person, i lost the trust, what can i do with my life. Idk.
Just believe that Jesus is so loving me, He never leaves me, He never even let me go away from Him. Now, my life is just about me and Him. Idk. I really dont know anything. I dont tell anybody how my heart feels, how hurts inside, how many things ruin my mind, ruin my day. I only tell Jesus. He is the best listener. Sometimes i can't say in words, bcs everything is indescribable, everything is unspoken. But Jesus knows everything. I believe He hears me, even im just crying and crying. I know He hears, i believe Jesus hears.
I really sorry for hurting people. I'm sorry. And i mean it. Im sorry for being annoying and not nice. Im sorry for never can be what they want. But this is my decision. I got to take a step. Once again idk, is it true or not. But i believe Jesus guides me, He holds on me, He is a good Father, He is my only defender. Ya sometimes i cant control my self. Im so sorry :( no excuse, im just sorry.
And now, for my life, idk what to do, what will happen tomorrow, any worse than this? Idk. The only thing i can do is just trusting God!
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. - Proverbs 3:5
That's from my dad, and ya i do. :')
I have no idea how i could hurt like this, it's horrible. But every single thing that happened, taught me a lot.
At least for now, i know how to depend on Lord, totally!
I believe He guides me. He is my healer, He fix my broken heart, He is the best God, best Listener, best Friend, best Father, He is all that i need. He is the only One who stands by me when there's no other people around, when i mad at my self. He is still, beside me, gives me peace and the love that i need the most.
It's hard to be a teenage, hard to be the true me. But when i change my expectations, from human to God. All things seems easier. Not bcs He makes life easy, but He becomes my strength and overcome this all through me. I'm just His kid, all the glory goes to Him, my Abba Father.
Just put my total faith on Him. I give Him the wheel, and i enjoy the ride. No longer i.
Jesus taught me many things, but i need Him how to have wisdom to know the differences about this life, to do the right things, to keep believing to the things unseen, trusting to the miracles.
I need Jesus more than anything. I need Jesus. Bcs i know Jesus loves me so much, He makes me comfort when all i can do is just crying, He shows His love upon the cross. He is my strength, my defender, my beginning, my forever.